Leaning in

When I was a kid, I loved to play soccer. All year long I played on any and every team I could get a spot on. Some seasons were great and some were, well, not as great. Because of where my birthday falls (which happened to be last week if you forgot to say Happy Birthday) I often had to move up into the older age bracket before most of my friends, which was always intimidating because I was almost always the smallest kid on the team. One season in particular, just as we were moving into junior high, I had to move up to a team of older kids and I barely knew anyone. The coach didn’t know me, except that I was the shrimpy kid who stood about a foot shorter than everyone else on the team. ”You’re going to play fullback (defense),” he told me. Ummm, no I’m not, I thought to myself. I always played forward. I ran fast and scored goals. That’s what I loved. I didn’t want to play defense. I actually almost quit soccer that season because I was so frustrated trying to learn something new. Thankfully I didn’t though, and as the season clicked by something happened. I discovered that I actually enjoyed my new-found position, and chose to continue there for the rest of my soccer-playing life.

As the year comes to an end, I always like to reflect back on the last trip around the sun and remember what I learned and set goals for the months ahead. To be honest, this past year has been amazing but I’ve also had previous years that were an absolute disaster. Life definitely has a way of punching you in the gut sometimes when things don’t go how we expected. Either through circumstances beyond our control, or often due to our own frail humanity, we can sometimes find ourselves frustrated, defeated, and ready to give up. In those times, we have a choice to either run from the struggle or, if we can find the will to do it, we can lean into the challenge and discover something courageous inside that was previously hidden away in fear. This is our opportunity to learn and find new joy.

To accept one’s past- one’s history- is not the same thing as drowning in it; it is learning to use it.

James Baldwin

Can I offer you a word of encouragement as this year comes to a close? I offer the same to my own soul that wrestles through these things on a daily basis. Lean into the struggle. Accept your history so you can learn from it. Don’t live in cowardly fear running from the pain of your failures or the difficult circumstances you may be facing today. Tell yourself a better story of redemption, love, and compassion toward yourself and others, and find joy in your life. Each breath is a gift. Every beautiful soul that crosses your path is an opportunity to love, to accept, and to discover something new about yourself as well. Like the sunrise of a brand new day, this next year will bring both healing and pain, blessing and loss, smiles and tears, and all of it, every last moment and breath of your life is an opportunity for faith, hope, and love to grow in you. Embrace your story, learn from it, and don’t give up.

Who’s that imposter?

Recently I was having a conversation with someone about their job. The discussion was mainly about being replaceable in your position, and this anonymous friend said to me, “I don’t think they would find someone to replace me that would do the job as well as I do.” I’ve actually seen this person in action and believe me, it’s impressive. The skill and grace by which tasks get done is top-notch, and I agree that the employer would likely have a difficult time finding a replacement that would perform as well. I replied to the statement, “I’m sure they could find thousands of people to replace me in my job that would do better than me”. My response was both honest and perhaps fairly accurate, but certainly telling of a struggle that many of us face. They call it imposter syndrome. I’m sure you’re likely familiar with the term, and perhaps even struggle with that yourself at times. What concerns me about that way of thinking is that it usually doesn’t stop with your career but permeates into the very fabric of your soul and plants seeds of doubt about your identity and value in the world. 

Years ago, and what seems like a lifetime ago, I worked in the car business with my dad. He had opened a small, used car lot and begged me to come work for him. Or maybe he had only casually mentioned the possibility of working for him and I quit my job the following day and showed up in his office ready to work. Regardless of how it happened, I ended up working for him in various capacities at the car lot for almost 10 years. We had a lot of great times over the years, but there was this small, nagging issue that would never quite resolve. I was a terrible salesman and I hated selling. Not great qualities for a used car salesman. Many times I would just go sit in the bathroom for a half-hour just so I didn’t have to talk to a customer. My dad probably thought I had some chronic issue with my bowels as I retreated to the bathroom for the tenth time in a day. I tried to be a salesman like my dad but it just didn’t fit, and I knew it. In this case, I truly was an imposter trying to do something that just wasn’t right for me.

Fast forward a few years. I left the car business and after a couple other brief career attempts, I landed a position as a Medical Assistant. My first job in the medical field working at La Clinica del Valle. I didn’t know anything about medicine, but I spoke some Spanish so they hired me and trained me on the job. I absolutely loved it! I continued working as an M.A. while I worked my way through nursing school and soon enough, I graduated and became an R.N. That was 16 years ago and still to this day I question if I know what I’m doing. I’ve worked in several different roles as a nurse, always learning new skills and specialties, and yet I still feel at times that any day someone is going to discover that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’ll be exposed as a fraud.

Life can be like that, too. I’ve spoken with other men about this and it’s a common thread that many of us struggle with. We tell ourselves “I’m a fraud” or “I’m not good enough”, etc., essentially what we’re saying is, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I hope nobody finds out.” We’re often told to “man up” but we really don’t even know what it means to be a man, let alone what it means to “man up”. Basically it seems to mean that if you’re scared, pretend that you’re not. If you’re weak, act like you’re tough. If you’re hurt, rub some dirt on it and don’t cry. No wonder we have a chronic problem feeling like imposters…..because we are. So many men that I know struggle to show any sign of weakness, fear, or vulnerability because they’ve been taught to cover up their humanity and pretend that everything is fine. This constant façade is difficult to keep up and eats away at their souls until they no longer know what is true and what’s not. We become detached from the essence of who we really are until everything about us feels fraudulent and in fear of being exposed.

I’m speaking primarily to men here: be vulnerable. Find a friend, or two or three that you can talk to and just be honest with them. We’re all in this boat together and unless we face it with honesty and courage, one by one we will sink under the weight we all try to carry alone. There are some careers that are a good fit for us and some aren’t. Some hobbies you can rock and others where you’re just a pretender. But when it comes to life, you were made for this. We were created with purpose and identity that nobody can take away from us. You are the real thing, authentic, valuable, and irreplaceable. So don’t tell yourself you’re an imposter anymore. Be honest and vulnerable with yourself and with others and you’ll discover the real you is so much better than your imposter will ever be.

Storytelling

I am a failure. I am a loser. I am not worth it. I’m a washed-up, has-been, wanna-be pretender who doesn’t deserve to be loved and certainly shouldn’t be blessed. Have you ever told yourself that same destructive story? Do you feel like your life is defined by your worst mistakes and your biggest failures? If so, let me tell you….I’ve been there, too. In my darkest moments, I have wept over my failures and told myself every negative, self-condemning lie that deemed me unforgiveable and unlovable. It’s at that point, when we find ourselves at the end of our rope, completely humiliated and humbled, we are faced with a choice to either hold onto the failure and let it define us, or let it go and receive something better. Here is where I’m met with what I’m most thankful for in this world, the truth of who I really am. The undeniable reality of what defines me in this world, and where I find joy in the pain, strength in weakness, and life for my soul. I’ve learned to tell better stories.

Growing up in a blended family, I was the youngest of 4 kids and considered to be somewhat of the “golden child”. I was my mom’s baby. She married my step-dad when I was just 2 years old and he adopted my brother and me. He was a wonderful Dad who has always loved me as his own. There was tension in the home amongst some of the “step” relations, but as far as I was concerned life was pretty good. You might even say I was a bit spoiled, which I appreciated at the time but it did not serve me well in my adult life. I developed an attitude of entitlement and learned that looking good and “right” on the outside were more important than actually living with integrity and character. I learned to love with a selfish love that was motivated by praise and recognition rather than humility and compassion. In short, I was a mess.

About 5 years ago I found myself navigating a labyrinth of hell that I had created in my life. My marriage and family were fractured, my career was in jeopardy, and my soul was being crushed to the point of despair. As I sat on the couch across from Jim, a wise mental health counselor (whom I am eternally grateful for), he asked me pointedly, “Have you always been a coward?” Wow! How does one answer that question? But he was right. I was living in fear; cowardly and in shame. He wasn’t going to just let me skate by looking good on the outside. He was brutally honest about the mess I had made of my life and what got me there in the first place. But he didn’t stop there. As the weekly visits with Jim continued, he began to peel open the layers of my heart and reveal the truth of who I am. Coward doesn’t define me. Failure is not my identity. I am loved. I am valuable. I have hope, and promise, and a future. I have a better story to tell.

I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter how you’ve stumbled and fumbled your way through life. These things don’t define us. As human beings living on this beautiful planet, we were made in the image of God. The imago dei. A holy and divine spirit inhabits every single person, including you and me. With all our screw-ups and blow-its, there remains a love for us that is unshaken by our humanity. The love of God, a Father, a step-father who has chosen to adopt us and treat us as his own. That becomes our identity; a son, a daughter. Redeemed, loved, and valued. Nothing can separate us from the love of God. His love is what tells us who we are. He shows us that we are infinitely valuable in this world. His voice tells us a better story about ourselves, and that’s something we can all be eternally grateful for. So what story are you telling yourself today?

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Finding your rhythm

Do you ever feel like the busyness of this world, schedules, deadlines, commitments, expectations, and pressures are all waging war against your soul and sucking the life right of you? Maybe you feel a bit like Garth Algar from Wayne’s World, crying out, “It’s sucking my will to live!” I think we probably all experience moments like this, living in a westernized society focused on production, success, and excess. And perhaps, this is more than just a societal problem and is a result of our humanity being constantly at odds with our souls. Maybe this will be a struggle we wrestle with until we breathe our last tired breath on this planet, but I don’t think it needs to be. You see, I’ve witnessed another way. I’ve seen that there is a rhythm of life that our souls can settle into, where we have space to breathe in deep and find rest. Sound nice? Let me tell you about it.

In August, my wife and I celebrated our 30th anniversary. We married when I was 17 and she was 18. It hasn’t always been pretty, and certainly not easy, but here we are by the grace of God. For most of our marriage, we weren’t able to really travel much. At 23 years old, I was a father of 3 barely making ends meet, working in a job that paid the bills but didn’t feed my soul, and trying to keep everything together in a nice, tidy life. My wife (God bless her), put up with years of me struggling from one job to the next, buying new homes only to have to sell it a couple years later when we could no longer afford it. Our kids are all grown now, and after three decades we were finally able to take the anniversary vacation that she had always dreamed of. We celebrated our thirty years of struggle in the beautiful and romantic City of Love. (That’s Paris in case you didn’t know)

I had never really been too keen on going to Paris. I’m not exactly a big city kind of guy. I love a quiet beach, a secluded mountain lake, and the slow pace of an island life. That’s what has always seemed to call to my heart. The traffic, trains, and crowded streets of a big city could give me mild anxiety just thinking about it. But, Tammy had dreamed of going to Paris for many years and she deserved to have that dream come true, so we booked a flight and off we went.

I’m not going to lie. Our first day in the city of Paris was rough. We were both absolutely exhausted and feeling a bit on edge just trying to figure out how to navigate the transportation to get to our apartment, which was just a few blocks from the Eiffel Tower. We rode around the city on a double-decker, open-top tour bus to get a “lay of the land”, and both could barely keep our eyes open. Actually, I think Tammy slept through most of the tour. We settled in to our tiny apartment, which had no A/C to offset the unseasonably warm temperatures, and tried to get some rest to begin our vacation fresh the next day. The next morning, as we walked across the bridge just after sunrise and made our way through town to Le Marais, something began to shift. In the midst of a bustling city, our souls began to breathe. We were finding our rhythm.

We didn’t see people with “to-go” cups of coffee. They sit at outdoor cafes, talking, laughing, and enjoying their espresso and a freshly baked croissant. Thousands of people stroll daily along the path that lines the banks of the Seine River, snaking it’s way through the heart of the city. Stores close in the middle of the day so employees can take time for a proper meal, go home to be with family, and enjoy life outside the confines being “productive”. The first coffee I ordered was so tiny, at first I thought it was a joke. The teacups my granddaughters use for tea parties with their dolls would hold more coffee than the tiny little cup I was served. And yet, it was absolutely wonderful. I was used to a 16 ounce, mediocre, watered down coffee, but there I was served a 1 ounce bold, pure espresso full of flavor like I’d never had before. And this was the theme we experienced throughout France, from busy streets of Paris, the narrow cobblestone alleyways in the villages of Provence, to the beachside cafes of Cassis…..quality over quantity.

This is the rhythm I’m setting out to define the flow of my daily life. Slow down and experience the deep quality of living. Be present in conversation with the people in my life. Enjoy a delicious meal, a fine glass of wine, or an afternoon espresso. Be love to my family, friends, and neighbors. As humans, we were not created just to “do”, but to “be”. Be present, be real, be vulnerable, be loving, be kind, be humble, be prayerful, and be in the presence of a God who loves us. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the things we need to do, that we forget who we were created to be. Settling back into our daily life here, we’re finding such peace in developing a new rhythm of life, one day at a time, one finely crafted espresso at a time. We’ve found some breathing room to enjoy life in a pace that prioritizes quality over quantity, and at least for us, we are finding a rhythm of life that keeps our hearts and our humanity in tune with each other and brings joy to our souls. Have you found your rhythm?

Oceans and Rivers

“I can’t stand your religious meetings. I’m fed up with your conferences and conventions. I want nothing to do with your religious projects, your pretentious slogans and goals. I’m sick of your fund-raising schemes, your public relations and image-making. I’ve had all I can take of your noisy ego-music. When was the last time you sang to me? Do you know what I want? I want justice- oceans of it. I want fairness- rivers of it. That’s what I want. That’s all I want.” (The message)

These words from God are taken directly from Amos 5. Pretty strong words if you ask me. Essentially, I’m getting the vibe that God pretty much hates religion that isn’t primarily about love and justice. Our songs of worship are just noise drowning out the sound of God’s love for the world, and it seems to kind of piss him off. So, I have to ask myself a life-altering question. Maybe you do, too. The question is this, “What does it actually mean to be a “Christian”?” One simple definition is to be a follower of Christ but in our mixed up society even that gets a little fuzzy, so here’s what it means to me. I believe and accept that God has established a right way of living which I have personally effed up countless times in my life. I believe that he loves each and every human so much that he chose to forgive us by taking our punishment on himself and dying in our place. And, well, that’s pretty much it.

I don’t see any other requirements or conditions for a person to be a Christian. “Well, what about _____________(fill in the blank with whatever addiction, failure, or struggle bothers you most)?” I’m pretty sure nothing can separate us from the love of God. No sin. No struggle. No misunderstanding. Nothing. Nada. This is exactly the kind of love that we all need. Love that isn’t snatched away from us the second we step out of line or say the wrong thing. This is a love that meets us in our frail and broken humanity and welcomes us all with open arms. No religion, no fund-raising, no preaching or hand-raising worship can heal the brokenness of our lives and hearts. Nothing but the pure and simple love of God can meet that need, and it is for everyone. Every. Single. Human. Israeli or Palestinian, gay or straight, gangbangers or politicians, conservative or liberal, ABC or XYZ. We ALL are in this together. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that “christian” is synonymous with a nationality, political party, or any other ideology, opinion, or rhetoric. If your religion is more about who you hate and what you’re against than it is about who God loves and what he’s done, you might wanna rethink things a bit. What God says he wants is justice and fairness, so if we’re going to follow him I’d say that’s our example. Justice- oceans of it and fairness- rivers of it. That sounds a lot like love to me.