Under lock and key

Pleading for forgiveness that never comes feels like a noose slowly tightening it’s grip. Days click by as I sit waiting in this prison, but the pardon is never extended. I’ve made my apology. I’ve done my time and learned my lesson. Why am I still stuck here inside these cell walls of unforgiveness? Shame and regret are my only company, but they seem perfectly content to stay here under a lock of self-deprecation. It’s odd, though. The lock is on the inside and the key is held within my own hand, clutched tightly in the grip of my pride that won’t let go. The problem is internal. I can’t forgive myself. Can you relate?

In another recent post Show some love, I talked about the importance of learning to love yourself. If this is a struggle for you, believe me I understand. It is for me, too. I think it probably is for a lot of people, actually, because of this silly thing we deal with called humanity. The fact is we aren’t perfect, and yet there is this internal drive to be perfect, or at least to have everyone else think we are. We then can’t accept our own failure as part of humanity, and we hold ourselves hostage expecting that we should be better than we are. “I’m better than that,” we may say to ourselves, or, “I can’t believe I did that.” I can’t even count the number of times I’ve said that in my life, because of the pride within me that wants to believe I can actually be perfect if I want to be. But, as you are probably keenly aware from your own life as well, perfection is not within the reach of our humanity.

All is not lost, however, as we do have a truth that goes even deeper than our own imperfection. I don’t want to sound too churchy, but I believe these words are true, “For God so loved the world…..” We have forgiveness from the one who IS perfection and we are loved by the one who IS love. This is the hope given to humanity, that God so loved the world. Therefore, if we have been forgiven by the God of Love and Perfection, how can we hold ourselves to a higher standard than he does? If he forgives me, shouldn’t I forgive myself as well? Shouldn’t you be released from the death sentence that has bound you in quiet obscurity for too long? I think so. This self-forgiveness is a critical ingredient of self-love. How can you love someone if you are holding them hostage in unforgiveness?

I hope that if this is a struggle for you, today you will release yourself from the chains that have held you for too long. Talk with a friend and be honest about the difficulties you may be facing. You may even consider visiting with a professional counselor that can help you gain some insight and perspective to move forward with your life. We’re all in this crazy world together, and we all need to be healed and whole individuals in order to love one another in community and in peace. So show yourself some love today. Loosen your grip, take a deep breath, and allow yourself to dance into the freedom and forgiveness that are yours to enjoy.

One Love & One Voice

In some quiet moments, the words just slip through my fingers, evading the grasp of my mind and pen. It can feel almost disorienting, like being underwater with your eyes shut, difficult to even know which way is up. Desperate for air, I plunge down deeper and deeper until the oxygen runs out and consciousness fades to black. The words just get lost in a swirling sea of thought and emotion until none of it seems valid anymore so I just move on in sublime ignorance.

Sometimes though, sometimes I dig. I fight. I peel back the dermal layer of cowardly indifference and press into the pain. To feel something, anything. To lay my soul out naked and exposed and know that I’m still alive. Cut away the callous over my heart to make sure the blood still runs hot and red. Can words even do justice to the depths of pain or the pounding oppression that swallows whole the life and love we were made to enjoy? One drop of rain doesn’t flood the ocean and raise the tide. But one voice along with millions of others can break through the damn (dam) walls and send floods of love and mercy into a thirsty land.

So, I dig in to find the words. I ask for the creator of life to birth in me something beautiful, something true. I wrestle with the limitations of my humanity to display something divine through the craft of a written word. I have no illusions of grandeur or expect a single soul to be enlightened by this small flicker of flame that I hold. The world and all it’s beautiful inhabitants will not find all that it needs in my simple prose and poetry, but in order to infuse more love, joy, and peace into the world, I offer all that I have: One Love & One Voice.

Show some love

Topping the Billboard charts shortly after it’s release in November 2015, Justin Bieber made famous the words, “you should go and love yourself”. Although the song was originally penned by Ed Sheeran, it became what it was because of the energy and creativity that Bieber poured into the song. Despite the narrative of the lyrics essentially saying F-you to an ex-lover, it got me thinking that perhaps I should go and love myself. I have a good friend that reminds me often that we are not only told to, “Love your neighbor”, but to, “Love your neighbor as yourself“. The implication seems to be that loving yourself is not a bad thing. Not only is it not bad, but it is both good and required.

“Show yourself some love”

This command to love myself can actually seem a bit ridiculous. I know me, the real me that nobody else sees. I know my thoughts and intentions, and I know they are not always very lovely. In fact often times they just downright suck. So how can I truly love myself in spite of my past, my failures, and even stupid stuff I haven’t even done yet? Well, the same way I have to make a choice to love my neighbor, with grace and forgiveness. The truth is that loving isn’t always easy. Even the people we “love” the most are often the ones that we can prove to be most unloving toward. Loving yourself can take just as much effort. Give yourself grace. Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself and show yourself some love.

Consider the ways that you’re loving, or not loving yourself. I personally have to consciously choose to love myself; to see myself as more than just my struggles and failures. I am made in the image of God and he declares me to be good and forgiven, and you are, too. Remind yourself of that often. You are not only loved, you are worth loving. So be kind to yourself, be patient with your humanity, and choose to grow in your love for God, your neighbor, and yourself.

Expectations: Pt 2

So there we were, in the Emergency Room parking lot in Monterey. My family was tired, hungry, and legitimately concerned that Dad may end up getting admitted either for cardiac arrest, mental health, or possibly both. (In case you missed my last post “Expectations: Pt. 1”, you might want to scroll to read that one first, as it will provide a bit of context for the story). My wife and I left the van full of teenagers to go for a walk. As we did, she spoke something to me that shifted my whole perspective about the events of the day. I was so occupied with trying to give them all a great vacation; nice hotel, swimming pool, beach, etc., I failed to realize what they actually cared about, which was just being together. I felt the pressure of a perceived expectation that everything would be perfect, when in actuality that was the expectation I put on myself. With tears in my eyes, so frustrated that I couldn’t fix the issues with the hotel, I told her I let the family down and I was so sorry. My sweet wife, my best friend, then reminded me how much she and our kids love me. She told me it didn’t matter if we had to all sleep in the minivan for the night, they were with me. The pressure and expectation I felt wasn’t from them at all. It was from me.

Whether or not you put any stock in the Enneagram doesn’t matter. I’m a type 9 which is a peace maker. Apart from the enneagram I’m still a peace maker. When I was a kid I was a peace maker and I’ll probably be a peace maker until the day I die. It’s just how I’m wired. But it can come with it’s own bag of poopoo to carry around if I’m not careful. When peace maker turns into people pleaser, well, Houston we have a problem. And that problem is that I can’t please everybody. In fact, it’s rare, if ever that I can actually truly please anybody. I wasn’t created to please people, and neither were you. We were created to love. Love God, love your neighbor, and love yourself. In the vacation story, I was trying so badly to please my family that I wasn’t actually able to function as a peace maker, and I certainly wasn’t acting in love.

We all live with expectations, either from others or from ourselves. Some expectations are good, i.e. your boss expects you to show up for work on time, etc., and others may be harmful. I’m learning (just barely) to live from a foundation of love that allows me to exist in freedom and peace, rather than live under real or perceived expectations that cause tension and pressure to be a people pleaser. Are there areas in your life that are being ruled by expectations? You may want to reevaluate where those expectations are coming from and consider if they are helping you become a better version of the “you” that God created, or are they just getting in the way. I naturally don’t like to let people down, so believe me when I say this is a real struggle, but I’m finding new freedom in allowing love to be my guiding factor rather than expectations. I hope this can help you as well.

Expectations: Pt 1

March 21, 2015. The day lives in infamy in our household. My wife and kids remember it with full range of emotions; trauma and joy, confusion and relief. It was in a span of a few hours that afternoon that I had my own near-death experience. My family remembers it well.

We rented a minivan for a week-long vacation down to Monterey, California. Excitement filled that Dodge Caravan to the brim as we made an early morning stop for coffee on the way out of town. This was going to be an epic week of beach days, scenic hikes, and chillin by the pool. We weren’t in a hurry, so we made a leisurely trip down. None of us had any idea what was lay ahead in the coming hours. We cruised into our reserved hotel just before 6:00 pm. We would check in, get some good food recommendations from the front desk, and then go out for a nice dinner, or so we thought. The drama that followed could be straight out of a movie, although I’m not sure what the genre would be. Some weird mix of comedy, drama, soap opera, and mystery. I’d title it, “What not to do on vacation”.

“We don’t have a reservation under that name”. What? They didn’t have our reservation? It was spring break in Monterey. Every hotel was booked solid and we had no reservation. Long story short, when I booked the hotel on an unnamed travel site (that rhymes with encyclopedia), I used a digital coupon for a reduced rate. It turned out that the coupon was no longer valid, so rather than charge me the full rate or contact me to discuss the issue, my reservation was simply canceled. Here we were after a 7 hour drive with the entire family, tired from the day of driving, night was approaching, and we had no place to stay. After several phone calls trying to get help and getting nowhere, I absolutely lost it. I was frustrated, angry, and honestly a bit scared. What the hell was I supposed to do with my family? As I argued on the phone with customer service, managers, and anyone else I could talk to, my wife calmly drove the minivan looking for food, and ended up in an Emergency Room parking lot. She honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack. My near-death experience wasn’t a physical trauma, it was emotional. It was self-induced. And it taught me some good life lessons.

We ended up driving to a town about 30 minutes inland, got a room for the night, and then back to Monterey for the rest of our vacation. It all worked out, but I reflect back on that experience sometimes and wonder why I got so bent over that situation. The absolute worst case scenario would have been to turn around and drive back home. That would have sucked, but, really? That’s the worst? I think the issue was the expectations. Living under expectations can be absolutely suffocating and bring all kinds of emotional (and physical) stress on your life. Stay tuned to my next post where I’ll discuss managing expectations and finding the freedom intended for us. Until next time, just breathe and relax. It’s all going to be ok.