Show some love

Topping the Billboard charts shortly after it’s release in November 2015, Justin Bieber made famous the words, “you should go and love yourself”. Although the song was originally penned by Ed Sheeran, it became what it was because of the energy and creativity that Bieber poured into the song. Despite the narrative of the lyrics essentially saying F-you to an ex-lover, it got me thinking that perhaps I should go and love myself. I have a good friend that reminds me often that we are not only told to, “Love your neighbor”, but to, “Love your neighbor as yourself“. The implication seems to be that loving yourself is not a bad thing. Not only is it not bad, but it is both good and required.

“Show yourself some love”

This command to love myself can actually seem a bit ridiculous. I know me, the real me that nobody else sees. I know my thoughts and intentions, and I know they are not always very lovely. In fact often times they just downright suck. So how can I truly love myself in spite of my past, my failures, and even stupid stuff I haven’t even done yet? Well, the same way I have to make a choice to love my neighbor, with grace and forgiveness. The truth is that loving isn’t always easy. Even the people we “love” the most are often the ones that we can prove to be most unloving toward. Loving yourself can take just as much effort. Give yourself grace. Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself and show yourself some love.

Consider the ways that you’re loving, or not loving yourself. I personally have to consciously choose to love myself; to see myself as more than just my struggles and failures. I am made in the image of God and he declares me to be good and forgiven, and you are, too. Remind yourself of that often. You are not only loved, you are worth loving. So be kind to yourself, be patient with your humanity, and choose to grow in your love for God, your neighbor, and yourself.

Expectations: Pt 2

So there we were, in the Emergency Room parking lot in Monterey. My family was tired, hungry, and legitimately concerned that Dad may end up getting admitted either for cardiac arrest, mental health, or possibly both. (In case you missed my last post “Expectations: Pt. 1”, you might want to scroll to read that one first, as it will provide a bit of context for the story). My wife and I left the van full of teenagers to go for a walk. As we did, she spoke something to me that shifted my whole perspective about the events of the day. I was so occupied with trying to give them all a great vacation; nice hotel, swimming pool, beach, etc., I failed to realize what they actually cared about, which was just being together. I felt the pressure of a perceived expectation that everything would be perfect, when in actuality that was the expectation I put on myself. With tears in my eyes, so frustrated that I couldn’t fix the issues with the hotel, I told her I let the family down and I was so sorry. My sweet wife, my best friend, then reminded me how much she and our kids love me. She told me it didn’t matter if we had to all sleep in the minivan for the night, they were with me. The pressure and expectation I felt wasn’t from them at all. It was from me.

Whether or not you put any stock in the Enneagram doesn’t matter. I’m a type 9 which is a peace maker. Apart from the enneagram I’m still a peace maker. When I was a kid I was a peace maker and I’ll probably be a peace maker until the day I die. It’s just how I’m wired. But it can come with it’s own bag of poopoo to carry around if I’m not careful. When peace maker turns into people pleaser, well, Houston we have a problem. And that problem is that I can’t please everybody. In fact, it’s rare, if ever that I can actually truly please anybody. I wasn’t created to please people, and neither were you. We were created to love. Love God, love your neighbor, and love yourself. In the vacation story, I was trying so badly to please my family that I wasn’t actually able to function as a peace maker, and I certainly wasn’t acting in love.

We all live with expectations, either from others or from ourselves. Some expectations are good, i.e. your boss expects you to show up for work on time, etc., and others may be harmful. I’m learning (just barely) to live from a foundation of love that allows me to exist in freedom and peace, rather than live under real or perceived expectations that cause tension and pressure to be a people pleaser. Are there areas in your life that are being ruled by expectations? You may want to reevaluate where those expectations are coming from and consider if they are helping you become a better version of the “you” that God created, or are they just getting in the way. I naturally don’t like to let people down, so believe me when I say this is a real struggle, but I’m finding new freedom in allowing love to be my guiding factor rather than expectations. I hope this can help you as well.

Expectations: Pt 1

March 21, 2015. The day lives in infamy in our household. My wife and kids remember it with full range of emotions; trauma and joy, confusion and relief. It was in a span of a few hours that afternoon that I had my own near-death experience. My family remembers it well.

We rented a minivan for a week-long vacation down to Monterey, California. Excitement filled that Dodge Caravan to the brim as we made an early morning stop for coffee on the way out of town. This was going to be an epic week of beach days, scenic hikes, and chillin by the pool. We weren’t in a hurry, so we made a leisurely trip down. None of us had any idea what was lay ahead in the coming hours. We cruised into our reserved hotel just before 6:00 pm. We would check in, get some good food recommendations from the front desk, and then go out for a nice dinner, or so we thought. The drama that followed could be straight out of a movie, although I’m not sure what the genre would be. Some weird mix of comedy, drama, soap opera, and mystery. I’d title it, “What not to do on vacation”.

“We don’t have a reservation under that name”. What? They didn’t have our reservation? It was spring break in Monterey. Every hotel was booked solid and we had no reservation. Long story short, when I booked the hotel on an unnamed travel site (that rhymes with encyclopedia), I used a digital coupon for a reduced rate. It turned out that the coupon was no longer valid, so rather than charge me the full rate or contact me to discuss the issue, my reservation was simply canceled. Here we were after a 7 hour drive with the entire family, tired from the day of driving, night was approaching, and we had no place to stay. After several phone calls trying to get help and getting nowhere, I absolutely lost it. I was frustrated, angry, and honestly a bit scared. What the hell was I supposed to do with my family? As I argued on the phone with customer service, managers, and anyone else I could talk to, my wife calmly drove the minivan looking for food, and ended up in an Emergency Room parking lot. She honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack. My near-death experience wasn’t a physical trauma, it was emotional. It was self-induced. And it taught me some good life lessons.

We ended up driving to a town about 30 minutes inland, got a room for the night, and then back to Monterey for the rest of our vacation. It all worked out, but I reflect back on that experience sometimes and wonder why I got so bent over that situation. The absolute worst case scenario would have been to turn around and drive back home. That would have sucked, but, really? That’s the worst? I think the issue was the expectations. Living under expectations can be absolutely suffocating and bring all kinds of emotional (and physical) stress on your life. Stay tuned to my next post where I’ll discuss managing expectations and finding the freedom intended for us. Until next time, just breathe and relax. It’s all going to be ok.

Beyond the headline

Reuters

I sit here staring at an empty screen, fingers hovering above the keys hoping the words will come. I close my eyes as the images I’ve seen this past week fill my brain and churn my gut. The scenes coming to us from the other side of the world are heartbreaking, with Afghan citizens so desperate to flee to safety they will literally do anything and risk everything for the chance to escape. What can I even say? The fear, oppression, and devastation those people are facing is unimaginable. Last week, I wrote a post called Around and Around, in which I challenged myself, and the reader, to look past the headlines to see the humanity within the story. As I’ve attempted to do just that with the stories coming out of Afghanistan, my heart weeps for the people living there in uncertainty and chaos and I wonder what I would say to them if given the opportunity.

Come. Come, all you who are weary, come. If you’re tired and thirsty, come and be filled. Come and find rest. Experience the freedom and respect you deserve as one made in the image of God. Come and know that you are loved. You who were once without a home, you are welcome here. All who have been ravaged by war, tattered and worn by the hell of this fallen world, come find safety and refuge.

Unfortunately I can’t say that. We don’t have the ability even to extend that invitation due to complex immigration policy and red tape, but I think there’s something deeper than politics. Just like culture, politics is just people. Without people, there is no culture and there are no politics. So we can’t just blame nebulous politics. The deeper issue lies in the heart of humanity that has become calloused toward our neighbor, and we’ve forgotten how to love. True sacrificial love can’t be only for those who look, speak, and believe the same as us. It blows apart anything that stands in it’s way. Nothing can separate when love is the driving force of our lives. If I desire to live a life of love, kindness, and peace with my neighbors and the world around me, I have to lay aside any political ideology that says “me first”, and lean into the suffering to offer healing and hope, freedom and joy. How do we do that? Honestly I have no idea. I just know that we get up every day and look for the opportunities that come our way to spread joy, to fight for the oppressed, and give love the best we can. Beyond that, I’d love to hear your ideas of how you’re reaching out to love those around you. Drop a comment or message me on the Contact page.

#Lucha

Since our kids were young, at the start of every new year we sit together and celebrate personal victories and/or lessons learned from the past year, as well as set intentions and goals for the next. Part of that tradition is to select a “word for the year” that will serve as somewhat a theme for the next season of life. One year, I jokingly told the family my word for the year was lottery, and I planned on winning big. Later that year we were searching for a home to buy and found a really cool place that we could afford, had room for our daughter’s horse, and happened to be on Casino Rd. We had a good laugh when we were moving in and realized the correlation of my word. I don’t know how you feel about God, but I think he sure has a great sense of humor sometimes. This year, I chose the word “Lucha”. I have a shirt that says #Lucha, which is a Spanish word that means to fight or struggle, and I think in this world that desperately needs love, we also need to remember to fight.

I’m somewhat of a pacifist. I hate conflict and will usually avoid it like the Rona. This year has been interesting, as I’ve found myself engaged in conversations that can sometimes be controversial to say the least. I don’t like it, and yet I believe it’s good. It’s good because it challenges both parties to love beyond our comfortability. If I only love those I agree with, what good is that really doing but just causing deep divisions between people who have different views or beliefs than me. It’s so important to remember, and this is a constant struggle, that the fight is not against the person, but the fight is for them. I have to be willing to engage in the difficult things, to fight to really know and understand their view, and to show them love and respect whether I agree or not. That, my friends, is where the real struggle lies. Anyone can fight with someone they don’t like or they disagree with. The real strength is in the struggle, to fight through temptation to hate, and choose to show compassion, understanding, grace, forgiveness, and love instead.

When we look for ways to fight for people rather than against them, I think we’ll discover that loving and fighting are equally vital if we want to have have authentic relationships with other humans. As I’ve said before, I certainly don’t write these things because I’ve mastered this at all. Not by a long shot! I struggle with this on a daily basis. Life is hard and sometimes my humanity can be a real beast to tame. I’m impatient, judgmental, and quite honestly the exact opposite of what I desire to be. But that’s ok. That’s all part of the human experience. We fail and we learn. We hurt and we forgive. We fall and we get back up. We love and we fight. So be a lover and a fighter. #Lucha