Pass the mic

Much has been said about toxic masculinity, although I personally don’t think toxic masculinity is actually a real thing. Yes I use the term and I do believe that much of what our society deems “masculine” is very toxic and destructive. However, these traits I don’t see as true masculinity, but a false representation of what masculinity is supposed to be. Likely driven by fear, insecurity, or a whole host of other repressed issues, these toxic behaviors will often drive a man into misogynistic treatment of women, outbursts of anger and violence, obsessive competition, or arrogant criticism of others just to name a few. But, I digress. Although this “toxic masculinity” is a great scourge on our society and needs to be called out and changed, this post isn’t actually about men at all. It’s about the strength, capability, leadership, and resilience of women. You see, I don’t think we need to minimize the role of men in society, but rather to elevate the role of women. Let me explain.

My wife and I just celebrated our 30th anniversary, which I am incredibly grateful to be able to say. For many years of our marriage, I struggled with the whole issue of gender roles within a marriage. I felt inadequate as a man because of the false ideas our society (and the church) portray as manliness. Men are supposed to be the leader in every situation. Husbands are told they are to be the provider and protector for the “weaker” and “submissive wife”. As a father, we have to be the role model for sons and the defender of daughters. We are the negotiator in business, the provider for the home and family, the enforcer in a dispute, the fixer of anything broken, the spiritual leader, and the “head” of the household. Not only is that a lot of pressure on a man, but completely ignores the fact that wives, moms, and women in general are absolutely capable not only to partner in helping but to take the lead in many of these demands. When a man is told it is his role to be all these things which he internally knows he is incapable of doing, failure becomes his self-identity. He begins to over-exaggerate his strengths in order to distract the attention from his weaknesses. Then, if a woman displays some strength in an area that he is “failing” in, his manhood feels threatened, he becomes defensive of his “authority”, and finds ways to manipulate and suppress the woman so he can reestablish his position. Now, doesn’t that sound toxic?

I’ve been learning over the last several years that my wife’s strengths aren’t a threat to me or my manhood. I’m not competing with her to be the “man of the house” and she’s not trying to make me feel inadequate in the areas that she is more naturally gifted in. She is strong and smart, compassionate and loyal; the perfect partner to walk through life with me side by side. There is no hierarchy, no authority, and no jockeying for position in our relationship. And I think this is how life is supposed to be between the sexes. Equality. Partnership. Mutual respect. Sadly that is not always what we hear taught from men in power, either in politics or from the pulpit. Women are often relegated to “women’s issues” in the social square, Sunday School or women’s ministry in the church, and the “woman’s place” in the home cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids emotionally and practically, and making herself available for her husband to meet any need he may have. This is the toxicity of masculinity……not that men are too “manly”, but they are too threatened by the strength and abilities of women. This, I believe, is one of the greatest errors of mankind that is rarely discussed by the men with microphones, but crucial to the betterment and future of society.

Dear men, let women have their rightful place of equality. Recognize the value of the women around you and make room for them to be heard. Dear America and all the other nations of the world, let women lead. Dear Southern Baptist Convention and every other denomination and religion: For the love of God and for your own good, listen to women preach. They have a lot to offer that we are missing out on because of men’s insecurities and fears. And dear women, if you have been oppressed and silenced, remember the first people entrusted to preach the good news of Jesus’ resurrection were two women. Your voice has great value and needs to be heard.

Anti-political love

Is anyone else exhausted with political rhetoric that constantly bombards us from every side these days? It seems like the last presidential election was just decided and we’re already gearing up for another one. We never really see actual progress because our two-party system is so deeply pitted against each other, it’s like a perpetual match of tug-of-war. Unfortunately this isn’t a game, and we’re all going to end up face down in the mud if something doesn’t change. The thing is, who can you listen to? With all the money, power, and influence driving this country’s political machine, how can you even trust a campaign promise or platform when the motive behind it is just to get as many votes as you can to defeat the evil ____________ (Republicans/Democrats, Conservatives/Liberals, Fascists/Anarchists). Fill in the blank with your favorite flavor of rhetoric. Then I wonder, is this more than just a political problem? As poet and rapper Propaganda has said, “Politics is just gangbanging in nice suits.” Maybe this is actually a human problem.

Don’t we do the same thing as these politicians? We game the system to try to get ahead. Tell the boss what they want to hear to get a promotion or put our most beautiful and successful image on social media to attract more likes and followers. And here’s a gut punch…..we often do the same thing in our churches. Have you ever heard this, “Show them love so that they will ask what’s different about you.”? Or, “Be nice in order to show people that our religion is different (aka “better”) than the others”? Taking a step back, this looks a lot like manipulation and coercion under a spiritual guise of love, kindness, or good work. This is a political love, only given with the purpose of receiving something in return. If we find ourselves “loving” someone so that they’ll listen to us, believe us, like us, follow us, or any other motivation other than love itself, I’m afraid we are missing the whole point of love.

We are humans, made in the image of God, who describes himself as Love. Love is the fabric that makes up the core of our being and how we are intended to thrive individually and in community. It is patient and kind; not insisting on its own way; doesn’t fight for its own rights above the safety and welfare of others; doesn’t tear down others with hateful and spiteful words, but builds up and encourages. This is loving our neighbors, for no other reason than love itself. I wish I could say this is a reflection of how I live, but alas I’m still a work in progress like all of us. I believe though, that this is the way to a better future for humanity, where we all show mutual love, respect, and compassion for every single human on this beautiful planet. Let’s learn to love our neighbors better, whether they live across the street or across the border. Everyone deserves authentic, anti-political love from us today.

Choices

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain

James Baldwin

Here’s a difficult question to ask yourself, but perhaps one of the most valuable gifts you could give yourself by asking, that is, if you’re actually willing to give yourself an honest answer. Who do you hate? Is there someone in your life that just makes you angry at the mention of their name? Maybe you would say that you hate the liberal protester that burned an American flag in the streets. “How dare they tread on our country’s flag!” Or perhaps you hate the guy flying that same flag from the back of his truck while he yells profanities at a family of immigrants on the side of the road. Do you hate people with brown skin? Or white skin? Or Asian or Palestinian? Christian or Muslim? Do you hate people who don’t have a home, or people who live in extravagant mansions? Be honest with yourself…..Who do you hate?

Now, ask yourself why. Why do you hate that person or “those” people? Do you even know them? Maybe you don’t want to label your biases as hate. I get it. We tend to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and assume that our intentions are good, that we don’t have implicit biases against race or religion, politics or gender, or any other variable that differentiates us from the neighbor that we are supposed to love. But as we look around the world, and even around our own communities, hate runs rampant while love is reserved for only a select few that look like us, talk like us, vote like us, and generally agree with us on religion, philosophy, human rights, economics, government, you name it. We reserve the right to refuse love to anyone that doesn’t quite fit in our tiny box.

Now, back to the quote above from James Baldwin. Today is his birthday, by the way, so I was thinking about this quote from him. The part that struck me so much is, “once hate is gone”. This reminded me that just like love is a choice, hate is also a choice. We can choose to let it go, to let it die, and replace it with something far greater. We can choose to love instead. When we let go of the hate, we may need to deal with some discomfort, but that is all part of growing. There is beauty in that pain because it leads to life and brings peace both to your soul and to the world around you. If you’re struggling to let go of the hate, don’t stop trying. Hate runs deep and is a powerful foe but in the end, Love conquers all.

Try that in a small town?

Bloody Sunday, March 7, 1965 in Selma, Alabama

Circleville, OH. Population 14,106 (2021). A small town with a history, not unlike many others throughout small-town America. Mom ‘n Pop shops, quiet sleepy streets, and kids playing baseball or fishing in the pond. There are some good things about living in a small town, for sure. But….not for everyone.

July 4th, 1965 2023, Jadarrius Rose, an unarmed black man, fearing for his life as his truck was surrounded by an army of police with guns drawn, calls 911 asking for help. “Do what the officers are telling you to do,” he is told by dispatch. “I don’t feel safe,” he responds. “I don’t know why they’re trying to kill me.” Mr. Rose stopped his truck initially, but fearing for his life with multiple guns pointed at him, he pulled away in his truck and called 911. Tell me, what would you have done? Chances are, if your pigment is lighter than a skinny caramel macchiato, you’d stop the truck, give them your license, and be on your way. “Have a nice day, officer.” Unfortunately, Jadarrius has more of a dark-roast pour over look to him, and given our nation’s history of police violence, and violence in general toward people of color, I can’t say I blame him one bit. I’d be scared to death, too. And so would you. Honestly, I can’t even imagine what was going through that poor man’s mind.

The dispatcher convinced him to stop the truck and get out. With his hands in the air, unarmed, surrendering, the officer in charge of the k-9 unit released his dog with a command to attack. The trained police dog bit, mauled, and dragged down an unarmed man standing with his hands in the air. I’ve seen the video. It’s disgusting. These things happen in big cities and they happen in small towns, too. There is hatred and violence, racism, and oppression. We need more love and less hate. More kindness and less violence. We need more people to speak out against the racist history of our country and seek restoration, rather than defending their rights to guns and vigilantism. Perhaps there is more to this story and Mr. Rose could have done something different that would have avoided the escalation but again, can you blame him? After watching people of color be beaten, harassed, tased, shot, or choked out in the streets over and over again, what would you do?

This story, like so many others, breaks my heart and compels me to speak out for love, peace, justice, and unity. I hope it does the same for you. This is what we as humans need to fight for. This is “loving your neighbor”. Peace.

Lessons in Oreos

Two chocolate wafers. Sweet, creamy filling. Twist it apart and dunk it in milk until it soaks in. Just before it crumbles, pop the whole thing in your mouth and enjoy. Then repeat the process multiple times. Who doesn’t love an oreo cookie? Well, when I was a kid I hated oreos. It may have something to do with my grandma who was a stickler about being proper. Absolutely couldn’t dip your cookies in milk and definitely weren’t going to “play” with your food by twisting it apart. I mean, what did she think was going to happen? We’d be licking the cream filling out of an oreo one day, and the next we’d be knocking over a bank, still with that sweet cream filling stuck to our fingers? But in her house, rules were rules. Nobody even questioned what grandma had to say…..until my wife came along. I think our oldest daughter was just about a year old when she was enjoying her first oreo cookie at great-grandma’s house. “Now, we don’t twist them apart. Eat like a nice girl,” Grandma said (or something to that effect). My wife…..I love her…..responded without hesitation, “She’s just fine. She can eat it however she wants.” For only being 4’11”, Grandma sure could carry a grudge for the next decade or so. Anyway, back to the oreos. I grew up eating all kinds of junk food. We always had cookies in the house, twinkies, ding-dongs, ho-hos, all the “good” stuff. And we always had a package of oreos, but I wouldn’t touch them. “No thanks, I don’t like oreos,” I would always say as I go for some other sweet in the cupboard. Seems like an appropriate response when being offered something you don’t like, but there was just one problem. I had never, not once in my life, eaten an oreo. I don’t know why but something inside me had decided I didn’t like them without even taking a bite. Doesn’t that seem dumb?

No doubt you were much smarter than me as a child, and likely still are today, but I wonder if you’re at all like me. Have you ever decided you didn’t like something, or someone, before you even gave it a try? I think sometimes in life we can be very quick to decide we don’t like something that we don’t understand. Maybe it’s just me? I can remember saying that I hated algebra. There’s nothing innately wrong with algebra that it should elicit this kind of hatred from me at all. The problem was that I didn’t understand it, so I just decided to hate it instead. Have you seen this in political discussions? Racial relations? Religious arguments or ideological debates? It’s often much easier to just dismiss someone as “ignorant” than to actually take the time to know them, hear them, and respect their thoughts (even if you disagree).

Looking back, I regret missing out on all those oreos I could have enjoyed as a child. Although they would have had to be eaten dry and intact, I would have enjoyed something sweet and wonderful if I would have allowed myself to experience that fabulous mixture of white and chocolate deliciousness. As I continue to age, I hope to keep learning to have an open mind about things, people, cultures, and ideas that are different than me. There is so much beauty and goodness in this world for us to enjoy if we will simply open our hearts and minds to receive it.

Is there something or someone that perhaps you could open your heart to today and discover the goodness that you’ve been missing out on?