In the shadows

Deep in the dark, lurking behind me at every scared step, shadows fall and bring painful memories and accusations. Inescapable and unrelenting. My shadow continues to creep up on me every time I think I’ve shaken it off, tapping me on the shoulder to remind me of brokenness and failure. It looks like me, like a reflection in broken glass, cracked and backwards, yet I know deep down it’s me. At least, it’s kind of me. It’s the part of me I’ve tried to leave behind, the portion of my soul that doesn’t feel authentic but in my moments of gut honesty, I know it’s real. Maybe I’m not meant to leave it behind after all, but hold it close in reverence and fear reminding me not to turn back. Even still, I don’t like it.

We all have them. Call it your demon, your addiction, your weakness, your failure, or whatever. It shows up disguised with many different aliases, all equally destructive and terrible, and ……beautiful. Ugh! Even writing that is painful. Can I actually say that my greatest failure is beautiful? It’s a monster. It’s hideous. It’s a noose that gripped my throat and nearly drowned me in the hell of my own depravity. Beautiful? That feels blasphemous and yet, the scars that remain are creating in me a new perspective. Without the wounds I wouldn’t have the scars that tell the story of healing. If I didn’t feel the burn in my lungs as I was being dragged down to the depths, I couldn’t fully appreciate the freshness of life-giving oxygen, at least not in the same way.

Can you relate? Are there things in your past you regret? Did you hurt someone you love? Turn your back on friend? Denied all that was good and true and right in your soul to pursue something destructive in hope that it would somehow soothe or at least distract from your deepest pain or fear? Looking these shadows in the face, we can embrace them because of the lessons we learned from them. Shame wants to hide, pretending these shadows don’t exist. It’s like a blanket that feels comfortable and secure but is slowly suffocating the life out of you. We try to forget and move on and yet, these shadows remain, insidious and more powerful when their hidden.

So I refocus my attention to the shadow that haunts me and I quit trying to run from it. Embracing the beauty of the scars left behind, I shift my eyes off myself and thank God he didn’t give up on me when I had given up on myself. I am thankful for the lessons I learned, even though I had to learn them the hard way. I don’t want to pretend those shadows don’t exist because they drive me further into God’s grace, understanding my own weakness and need. I certainly don’t have this all dialed in. I’m learning, struggling, and growing in this, and slowly beginning to feel the oxygen return to my lungs, to breath in deep, and see the light enter the darkness and reveal the deeper truth about who I am, what I was created for, and how I fit into this crazy world. There is great freedom found here, so if you’re entangled in your shadows, struggling to look honestly at yourself, your past, your struggles, etc, let me encourage you to sit with it. Look at it. Be honest and bring it to God. He’s not afraid of your mess. In fact, that’s exactly why Jesus came into this world, to bring sight to the blind, freedom to captives, and love for the brokenhearted. That’s good news for us all.