Who’s that imposter?

Recently I was having a conversation with someone about their job. The discussion was mainly about being replaceable in your position, and this anonymous friend said to me, “I don’t think they would find someone to replace me that would do the job as well as I do.” I’ve actually seen this person in action and believe me, it’s impressive. The skill and grace by which tasks get done is top-notch, and I agree that the employer would likely have a difficult time finding a replacement that would perform as well. I replied to the statement, “I’m sure they could find thousands of people to replace me in my job that would do better than me”. My response was both honest and perhaps fairly accurate, but certainly telling of a struggle that many of us face. They call it imposter syndrome. I’m sure you’re likely familiar with the term, and perhaps even struggle with that yourself at times. What concerns me about that way of thinking is that it usually doesn’t stop with your career but permeates into the very fabric of your soul and plants seeds of doubt about your identity and value in the world. 

Years ago, and what seems like a lifetime ago, I worked in the car business with my dad. He had opened a small, used car lot and begged me to come work for him. Or maybe he had only casually mentioned the possibility of working for him and I quit my job the following day and showed up in his office ready to work. Regardless of how it happened, I ended up working for him in various capacities at the car lot for almost 10 years. We had a lot of great times over the years, but there was this small, nagging issue that would never quite resolve. I was a terrible salesman and I hated selling. Not great qualities for a used car salesman. Many times I would just go sit in the bathroom for a half-hour just so I didn’t have to talk to a customer. My dad probably thought I had some chronic issue with my bowels as I retreated to the bathroom for the tenth time in a day. I tried to be a salesman like my dad but it just didn’t fit, and I knew it. In this case, I truly was an imposter trying to do something that just wasn’t right for me.

Fast forward a few years. I left the car business and after a couple other brief career attempts, I landed a position as a Medical Assistant. My first job in the medical field working at La Clinica del Valle. I didn’t know anything about medicine, but I spoke some Spanish so they hired me and trained me on the job. I absolutely loved it! I continued working as an M.A. while I worked my way through nursing school and soon enough, I graduated and became an R.N. That was 16 years ago and still to this day I question if I know what I’m doing. I’ve worked in several different roles as a nurse, always learning new skills and specialties, and yet I still feel at times that any day someone is going to discover that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’ll be exposed as a fraud.

Life can be like that, too. I’ve spoken with other men about this and it’s a common thread that many of us struggle with. We tell ourselves “I’m a fraud” or “I’m not good enough”, etc., essentially what we’re saying is, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I hope nobody finds out.” We’re often told to “man up” but we really don’t even know what it means to be a man, let alone what it means to “man up”. Basically it seems to mean that if you’re scared, pretend that you’re not. If you’re weak, act like you’re tough. If you’re hurt, rub some dirt on it and don’t cry. No wonder we have a chronic problem feeling like imposters…..because we are. So many men that I know struggle to show any sign of weakness, fear, or vulnerability because they’ve been taught to cover up their humanity and pretend that everything is fine. This constant façade is difficult to keep up and eats away at their souls until they no longer know what is true and what’s not. We become detached from the essence of who we really are until everything about us feels fraudulent and in fear of being exposed.

I’m speaking primarily to men here: be vulnerable. Find a friend, or two or three that you can talk to and just be honest with them. We’re all in this boat together and unless we face it with honesty and courage, one by one we will sink under the weight we all try to carry alone. There are some careers that are a good fit for us and some aren’t. Some hobbies you can rock and others where you’re just a pretender. But when it comes to life, you were made for this. We were created with purpose and identity that nobody can take away from us. You are the real thing, authentic, valuable, and irreplaceable. So don’t tell yourself you’re an imposter anymore. Be honest and vulnerable with yourself and with others and you’ll discover the real you is so much better than your imposter will ever be.